Monday 27 December 2010

The Credit Crunch hits Santa

It's well known that Father Christmas is a very generous guy, and it's also well known that we are in hard times but it was never expected that Santa would have to result to crime to fuel his seemingly harmless addiction of spreading joy.

As it turns out though 'the guy who sees everything' is running low on the green stuff (not weed, he has plenty). So on his way back to the North Pole Santa made a stop off to a shop in Berlin wielding a pistol and demanded money stating that, "even Santa needs to pay the elves" (as though other people go around paying elves).

Unsurprisingly he escaped, the guy can fly around the world delivering presents in one night so this must have been small work.

So next time you put up signs telling Father Christmas to "stop here" think twice.

Sunday 4 July 2010

Driver hits only object in car park.


Some people have to drive around for hours just to find a parking space, and some take hours getting into a parking space, but this guy didn't worry about that as the only issue for him was the ticket machine right in the middle. But he still managed to collide straight into the ticket vendor in an empty car park with hundreds of spaces around him.

I like to think that he thought that if he drove into the machine he could say that the ticket machine was not working because some idiot has driven into it and he would not get a ticket. But it turns out he is having to pay a lot more than his £1.50 parking fee.

Friday 2 July 2010

Cucumber dick!



A hungarian women bought this cucumber from a shop for her dinner. When she got it home she realised how wonderfully sculpded the vegetable was.

She refused to chop it up because she said, "I realised what it was. It reminded me of my husband too much and I really love him, so I didn't have the heart to cut it up,"
This guy must be the luckiest man on earth because he either has a dick as long as his leg, or his wife has just lied to the whole world about how well endowed he is.

Saturday 26 June 2010

To do list: 'go on the rob' and 'sell weed'


After doing a stop and earch on the suspicious looking Thomas Franks, police discovered his plan for the day.

On the list was: Sell push bike
Go on the rob
Get a job
Sell weed

He said he was in need of the cash to 'fix his playstation.' But luckily for him, 'go on the rob was not checked off' but he still pleaded guilty of having 21g of weed on him.

Friday 25 June 2010

What else is there to do but drink?


After crashing and rolling his car, Paul sneddon could not escape the wreckage that had been his car. He had crashed after a drinking session and was returning home.

He rang 999 and asked for the appropriate services, but while waiting he cracked open another can and just sat enjoying the breeze (why not? he wasn't going anywhere.) He told the court that he "had nothing else to do." When asked how much he had had he replied, "plenty".

He was banned from driving and fined a considerable amount.

Thursday 24 June 2010

I think a round of aplause is needed!

This heroic warrior was captured by CCTV trying to get a box of beer after he has obviously been through a few already. After entering the shop the guy walks straight (straight-ish) for the beer cabinet and chooses his favourite and attempts to leave the shop. The video shows what happens next.



I think one of the best things about this video is the fact that it shows you that this scene took place at just after 10 am.

This, is one true LAD.

Wednesday 23 June 2010

Naked Cowboy on Naked Cowgirl Action


The Naked cowboy who can usually be seen giving his guitar a good strum in New York's Times Square, has taken legal action against the Naked cowgirl who also likes to have a good strum in New York's Times Square.

Robert Burk who makes his living by busking wearing only a cowboy hat and some white briefs has told Sandy Kane, who performs in a Red White and Blue hat and matching bikini, to stop ripping off his trademark and to get off his turf.

Burk wants Kane to pay him $500 a month or $5000 a year to be allowed to use his franchise, But Kane who used to be a stripper and is now in her 50's (and i was getting my hopes up) has told Burk she owes him nothing.

Monday 21 June 2010

2 Years Old - Puffing like a chimney!


The two year old had his first fag when he was just one year old, now he is smoking 40 cigarettes a day and will throw a tantrum if he doesn't get one.

It's not all bad news though as Adri, has managed to start to cut down after going on a 'therapy focused on playing' course, now only smoking a tiny 20 cigarettes a day. But it is not enough as the 4 stone 2 year old costs his parents £3.78 a day, where the minimum wage is £69 a month. He rolls around on a toy truck blowing smoke like he is some kind of mafia hit man.

His father Mohamed, says that "he gets extremely angry if we don't give him a cigarette, he starts to batter his head against the wall and say he feels dizzy and sick." (well you would if you just smashed your head against a wall).

His parents have been given the incentive of a brand new car by the government if they can get their raging druggie of a son to stop his addiction. (It's not the prolonged life or the increased fitness of their child, or even the amount of money a day they are spending, but a new car that does the trick!! good parents!!)

Sunday 20 June 2010

Why are you not dead?


Ozzy Osbourne has done everything; he's eaten bats, broken his neck in a quad biking accident and used drugs for 40 Years. This is why scientists are spending £27,000 on finding out why he isn't dead yet.

At 61, it is a miracle he is still living, not just because he lives with his wife Sharon(although he has once tried to strangle her). Scientists want to look at his genetic code to see if his body has special talents in absorbing harmful substances.

Ozzy has admitted to drinking until he passed then when waking up carry on drinking until he passed out again, and then carry on this procedure for a number of cycles. What I would call a "get rinsed and repeat" method.

You would have thought scientists could spend their time looking at how to beat cancer or how to feed the world. But then again people could use this information to get hammered to their hearts content!

Friday 18 June 2010

Now that's one hot chick!



A man in Zimbabwe has killed himself after his wife caught him having sex with a chicken. The chicken was then killed, which I feel was a bit harsh as i doubt he was the one that did the seducing in this love affair.

I'm also surprised that the wife did not kill herself as if you found your partner getting busy with a chicken, that is going to look bad on you because it means that someone would rather have sex with their dinner than you, you must be doing something very wrong.

It's a good job the chicken wasn't a male because then the man would be a gay chicken fucker instead of just a chicken fucker and also the headlines would be "man shags cock"

P9JMBEF4PFUV

Thursday 17 June 2010

Would you like porn with that?


A burger van has been seized by police in Driffield, East Yorkshire, after complaints by outraged residents that they have been seducing male customers in by playing porn while they wait for their burger on a portable television inside.

It wasn't like they could hide the fact that they were offering a free DVD to anyone who payed more than a fiver as inside a sign read "Personal service guaranteed. Free Porno!"

Undercover police officers first investigated the van and really took the case undercover, if you get what I mean. When all the Porn was seized it was sent to East Riding courts trading standards, so they could knock one off as well.

A policeman gave a statement saying "It's hard to imagine that someone would offer porn to try and increase their sales," but I'm managing alright.

Wednesday 16 June 2010

What should you do in a sticky situation? Definately not cut your arm off!


An American man got his arm trapped behind his boiler while reaching behind to retrieve an object. When trying to free his limb he managed to tighten the hold causing the boiler to cut into his arm.

After pondering for a short 12 hours on how to free himself he dismissed maybe shouting for help or having another attempt to push away the boiler and concluded that he must cut his arm off (as you do).

His decision was based on his favourite action hero Macgyver. Now, I have never seen this hero but after a very quick bit of research I have learnt that he has got two arms and has never attempted to cut one off.

Jonathan Metz's disappearance was not unnoticed though, his work colleagues eventually alerted the Emergency services (this guy must have a bit of a reputation if he is missing for not even a day and the police are sent round to his house)

By the time Doctors had arrived a further 6 hours had passed and this crazed man was already well into his limb. When the boiler was pulled away the remainder of the work was done by gravity, and his arm fell off. His arm was anable to be saved and Metz's family have set up a charity trying to raise money for a prosthetic arm.

When questioned about his actions the newly accomplished butcher said his intentions were "to quickly run upstairs and place it in the freezer." I know most people like a souvenir of a big moment in their life but I have never heard of someone 'saving their arm for later.'

I Want an iPad... But I want it covered in Chocolate!


You may know someone with an iPad, or you may have even got an iPad yourself (foolish child) but i bet you have never seen a chocolate coated iPad. It may sound like some new M&S product "this is not just a rip off, waste of space, good for nothing piece of pointless technology, this is a rip off, waste of space, good for nothing piece of pointless technology coated in the finest Belgian chocolate, hand made by umpalumpas."

Stefan Magdalinski, who is currently living in South Africa (why you would want an iPad when the world cup is on your doorstep? i have no idea) called upon his friend Paul Young, a professional chocolatier (what a doss of a job that is), to freeze the gadget in chocolate as a present for his wife. Now, I'm sure that on the leaflet Apple didn't print "do not cover in chocolate" but what I do know is that it should be common knowledge that covering an electrical item in chocolate isn't going to have moisturising qualities.

After breaking into her Gift Magdalinski's wife was very pleased with her £500 over sized iPod touch, but Young has been swamped by people asking him to plate many items of technology in chocolate. (well i suppose it's a change from coating peanuts)

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Man Savagely attacks Hells Angels with Puppy and flees on Bulldozer


A crazed 26-year-old stormed into the lair of the Hells Angels, just north of Munich on Sunday. He then proceeded to flash his gonads and let rip by unloading a puppy (no pun intended) at the unsuspecting gang members before fleeing from the puzzled victims.

After picking up his getaway vehicle of a Bulldozer from the neighbouring construction site the puppy weilding savage proudly 'rolled' down the middle of the road with plenty of swagger.
Not realising that during his escape his rubber burning machine had only reached a maximum speed of 8mph he had caused a 3 mile tail back through a nearby town.

He was then seized by the German police, However it was still unclear of what had caused the valiant soldier to attack, but it was said that the student had been suffering from depression, why this causes him to go around hurling puppies i have no idea.

No one was harmed in the ferocious attack, not even the puppy.